Ups and Downs

It’s been a few days and, as the last month has gone, there have been ups and downs. As usual, for more details on the D/s side of things you can catch up on the D/s blog.

The days that we talk are great – everything goes smoothly, feels right, is comforting. And then we go back to a few days of silence on J’s end. And because of this dynamic I get all wonky and emotional. While I love my submissive side I wish I wasn’t submissive sometimes.

J and I had a great chat on Sunday and he was supposed to come over for dinner last night but those plans got cancelled and he asked if we could put it off to another week. I said of course because what else was I going to say. But in reality I know that another week could be months away as B comes back tomorrow. I also said to him that we needed to talk and explained that I just need to touch bases so I can function with how things are is all and he said he understood and would think too then we could talk. Given how sensitive B is about everything regarding their relationship and that her mother is passing away I am leaning toward J and I going back to just being friends and not continuing the D/s side of things.

I can’t and don’t want to, do this up and down thing that’s been happening. It’s not fair to me and is causing emotional distress that I don’t deserve. On the other hand I so very much want to be an outlet for him. Given how uninterested in sex B has been and how she tries but is not very submissive for him I would like to continue to be his outlet.

I am thinking of proposing that we aren’t full on D/s and that he does not own my orgasms anymore but that I am still here if he needs to direct, instruct or whatnot. Still not being physical as B isn’t ready for that but that the mental piece may give him an outlet so he gets at least part of what he needs.

In the meantime I have a date tonight with someone who could potentially be a FWB. He lives an hour away but to have a go-to person to scratch that physical itch would be great. The dating pool so is very shallow here in many ways. The men who have it together want someone who isn’t plus size and the men that don’t mind the plus size women don’t have their life together, drink too much, have criminal records, or no job. Soooo,  yeah, a FWB with their life together sounds pretty great right now.

Figuring ‘Me’ Out

I’ve been trying to figure out why when I am on my own I am strong and when I submit I am this emotional mess. I know where my sparkle is, where my bad-ass self is, where my inner goddess is.

I am a strong, confidant, sexy, positive-thinking woman when I am all on my own. I look out for myself. I take care of myself. I am in full control. I don’t need a partner to be happy. I am eternally optimistic.

Then I submit to someone – something I crave to do, I want to do, I need to do. I turn into this self-doubting, needy, wanty and worrisome person. Frankly, it’s quite annoying. It doesn’t feel like me but yet it is.

As I was running errands today I got to thinking about this duality in myself. What I arrived at is that when I submit I am opening myself up. I unlock the door and all the emotions that I hold close when I am on my own are just free to flow about. I am vulnerable. I give a part of myself, the part I hold so tightly onto when on my own, to my dominant.

This works is my dominant is present; when he is there to hold my hand, hug me, allow me to kneel beside him, or just comfort me with words when he can’t be near.

When, or if, he is not present I am a mess. I dislike it so much. I do love the submissive side of myself but I do not like the emotional woman I become when I give in to that. I don’t do vulnerable well.

Not Much Has Changed

I haven’t written this week as I can’t say that much has changed. Every time there is an up note there is a down note that follows. There have been words that made things look brighter and gave me hope and then silence that makes me think perhaps I should walk away.

I did get together with B this last week, twice actually. The first time we sat together and did crafty things. She asked ahead of time if we could not talk about things because she was talked out. Everything had been a discussion since all this mess started and she was just mentally wiped from it all. I said that would be fine. I needed to talk with her but the tone in her words said I need to wait and just be a friend that night. The evening went well. We did our thing, watched some tv, and had an overall good time with one another. It was like nothing had happened.

I know that’s what she wanted. Just sweep it under the rug and it will all be fine. That’s not how an adult handles things. Sometimes I have to ask myself why I am friends with her. I don’t put up childish behavior in others, why I do with her escapes me other than we have a years friendship built.

I went to visit with her a few days later as well and we just chatted about general things and no talk of what had happened. Because she was off to visit her mother, for what is most likely the last time she will see her alive (Cancer sucks), I haven’t pushed anything and have been nothing but a supportive friend to her.

I don’t want to sound insensitive, nor be insensitive, but is there ever a good time to talk about things? You can push them but something will always come up when you are an avoid-er of things you don’t want to do or discuss.

In the meantime, I have settled into an okay place for myself. I haven’t forgiven her really but I have let go of the anger. It didn’t feel good to hang on to that so I just let it go. There is nothing I could have done to change what happened and I know her well enough to know she was/is never going to apologize. She is always going to distrust. Letting go of what doesn’t feel good is how I stay positive.

The Next Step

I have been writing a lot on the other blog (TOB) as so much of what is going on relates to the dominant/submissive side of things. If you’d like to catch up – start with 9/15 then go to 9/18 and you’ll basically get the idea of where things are now.

I chatted with B on Sunday on the phone and we sort of talked things through. She and I had a decent chat. I didn’t really get what I needed but I also know her well enough to know that I’m not ever going to so I can either hold onto it or let it go.

I asked her if she realized that what she did was no different from her walking into my bedroom, seeing my journal, and choosing to read it. B said “your dumb blog is public and out there for everyone” so not a big deal. I said I understand what she is saying and it was still a choice that she made to go look for it and then choose read it. Every thing she said to rebut I would say again “it was your choice to read it” until she admitted that it was a choice. Which she finally did.  I needed her to admit it. That’s what I needed from her to feel like this friendship could ever be okay again. For the closure, I need an apology but I don’t expect I will get that based on what I know about her.

When I shared with J about this, he said that she probably feels the same about me – that she should get an apology and he agreed, she probably won’t apologize – she feels her nosing around was justified.

I did say I’m sorry to B a couple of times for how all this came around.  I also asked her what I could do differently going forward. And how I could communicate better with her. She didn’t have an answer. I was looking for how to communicate with her better in a way that works for her because I want open communication, I did then and I do now. But I also know that what works for communication for me may not work for her so I need her to tell me.

I mentioned to her that when things are ready to progress with J and I, and B too, that maybe we should all have a sit down together so we can talk about boundaries and guidelines so we all hear the same thing at the same time making less room for miscommunication.

When I talked to J about this he said, and I agreed, that he doesn’t have the energy or time for constant fighting, insecurity, and strife. That there needs to be a change, and establishment of boundaries between all of us if this polyamorous relationship is  to succeed. I didn’t say it but other than her violating my privacy so blatantly, I’ve not had a single issue – the strife, fighting, lack of boundaries have all been on her/their end, at least to this point anyway.

The lack of communication from J this last week has been really tough. B and I have been texting every day and we even had face to face time this week.  If I even got one message from J I’d know that things are okay between he and I but when I don’t hear at all… it’s hard to stay positive. I mean it’s not that difficult to send one quick text just to check in. It’s not. I know.

He is making me feel insignificant this week and that I don’t like at all. I put up with that in my marriage and it’s not something I will allow myself to feel again. I am trying to be patient because I know there are a lot of variable and moving pieces right now but still – I deserve better than that. And all this drama – it’s something I stay away from so why can’t I walk away this time.

I am feeling like my give a damn is busted. I wish I could find my bad ass self because I don’t know where she has gone and I’m kind of in need of her to figure out what the next step is.

I Need To Make A Decision

I went out with JJ last night as we both needed to vent and off load about various topics. She is aware of the deal with J, B, and myself. I shared with her how things turned out with J and B’s talk and what the reaction was.

It was good for me to say out loud things that had been on my mind all day. I have been struggling to stay positive about B for months and this invasion of privacy may be the last straw for me to stay friends with her.

When we met, I adored her playful sarcasm and over the last several months her negativity has gone up and that playful sarcasm has become more cynicism. That type of person is not someone I want in my life – in a friend or anyone in general. I tend to keep happy people around me because it feels better. When I started making changes to better my life, going on 4 years ago, one of the biggest choices I made was to choose things that feel good to me. This friendship doesn’t feel good anymore.

What troubled me so much yesterday was that she made a conscious choice to look for my online journal and then another conscious choice to read it – every post. Tell me, how is that different from going through someone’s house looking for their diary and then choosing to read it? Lack of trust, lack of respect, complete disregard for friendship, and speaks a whole lot to her character – those are my thoughts. I should say that I don’t know how she found my journal as she is not talking to me at the moment, I can only assume she went looking for it.

JJ was more focused on what would happen with the D/s relationship with J than with B as she has never really liked B. B really is a hard person to be friendly to as she is off-putting to so many, as evidence by the few friends she has made here. My mind was still mostly focused on B. I don’t have a say in B and J decide to do. I have been supportive of their relationship as best as I can even though I can see clearly from where I sit that they are not compatible in the long run unless one of them gives in. I thought that is what had happened when B told J it was time for him to find a secondary, even mentioning me by name.

The way she reacted the other night when J told her that he and I found we would like to explore the D/s road together says she didn’t give in and accept. Actually the extreme reaction led J to say she must not have actually realized, or believed or something that he would be considering me for a secondary. Which if you say something such as “it’s time for you to find a secondary” and then they other person does and then you get pissed about it – how is that not a set up? Why would you do that to someone you care about? I certainly wouldn’t. But B and I are very different people in so many ways.

That J and B have stayed together and tried to work on their relationship is commendable as so many couples walk away when things get tough. When I have both B and J in my ear saying they are not happy and are frustrated… why would someone choose that life for themselves? I know everyone needs to make their own path and come to decisions on their own and I have been watching from the sidelines, two people I love, so unhappy. I can’t remember the last time B said something nice or flattering or even positive about J. I’ve been with both of them and the disrespect she shows him… I don’t understand. But it’s not my relationship to understand. I can only be a friend to them both and be supportive.

As far as the road J and I were embarking on… I don’t know if that will continue. He texted after class last night to he would chat with me tomorrow when he has a moment. I am preparing myself that things will end and I will have had this lovely mental experience with him. I am trying to not thing about it too much because I know the connection he and I have doesn’t come around often, and it makes me sad to think of losing that. It’s been 2+ years since I last felt it. I guess we will see. I will accept his decision regardless of what it is.

What I need to decide for myself is if I can, or want to, remain friends with B. I am a very trusting person but once that trust is lost it is never fully gotten back. There will always be a piece of distrust. But then I think to myself do I want this person in my life anymore – a cynical, non trusting, non trustworthy person who over the last few months has made me feel insignificant, disposable, that I am not enough. That’s not what kind of friend I want. If J and B stay together and J and I continue on this path what will that look like?  How does someone communicate in a poly situation when you don’t like the other person? Am I prepared to say good-bye to one or both of them if they decide to keep working things out?

I was awake half the night having conversations in my head and running around different scenarios on what could happen. I’d really like to be out of my head for a little bit and get some clarity. I think I run tomorrow is a good idea.

Starting Over

Fresh. New. Clean slate. A new book. Square one.

I am sad to leave behind posts that go back 5ish years but a majority of that was in a whole other book of my life, the married years. Since then I have been fluttering around trying to find my way as I rediscovered myself in so many ways.

While I hate to leave behind a name that I was so very fond of this new name fits too. I adore the word sanguine which an adjective meaning optimistic or positive, especially in an apparently bad or difficult situation. I am always looking for the positive, always seeking to find the best possible to way to handle any challenging situation. It’s kind of ironic that the creating of this new blog comes as a result of an invasion of privacy from one of my closest friends.

Regardless of how that situation turns out I know that I can hold my head high as I did nothing wrong and that I have this new space to start writing again. The old book has been placed on the shelf and this new book which actually started 3ish years ago has an opportunity to be whatever it turns out to be.

I am going to continue with the sub-sub blog which has been renamed. If you would like to follow me there just send me a note and I’ll send you the new link. Right now I’m feeling like I can’t link it unfortunately.