I went out with JJ last night as we both needed to vent and off load about various topics. She is aware of the deal with J, B, and myself. I shared with her how things turned out with J and B’s talk and what the reaction was.
It was good for me to say out loud things that had been on my mind all day. I have been struggling to stay positive about B for months and this invasion of privacy may be the last straw for me to stay friends with her.
When we met, I adored her playful sarcasm and over the last several months her negativity has gone up and that playful sarcasm has become more cynicism. That type of person is not someone I want in my life – in a friend or anyone in general. I tend to keep happy people around me because it feels better. When I started making changes to better my life, going on 4 years ago, one of the biggest choices I made was to choose things that feel good to me. This friendship doesn’t feel good anymore.
What troubled me so much yesterday was that she made a conscious choice to look for my online journal and then another conscious choice to read it – every post. Tell me, how is that different from going through someone’s house looking for their diary and then choosing to read it? Lack of trust, lack of respect, complete disregard for friendship, and speaks a whole lot to her character – those are my thoughts. I should say that I don’t know how she found my journal as she is not talking to me at the moment, I can only assume she went looking for it.
JJ was more focused on what would happen with the D/s relationship with J than with B as she has never really liked B. B really is a hard person to be friendly to as she is off-putting to so many, as evidence by the few friends she has made here. My mind was still mostly focused on B. I don’t have a say in B and J decide to do. I have been supportive of their relationship as best as I can even though I can see clearly from where I sit that they are not compatible in the long run unless one of them gives in. I thought that is what had happened when B told J it was time for him to find a secondary, even mentioning me by name.
The way she reacted the other night when J told her that he and I found we would like to explore the D/s road together says she didn’t give in and accept. Actually the extreme reaction led J to say she must not have actually realized, or believed or something that he would be considering me for a secondary. Which if you say something such as “it’s time for you to find a secondary” and then they other person does and then you get pissed about it – how is that not a set up? Why would you do that to someone you care about? I certainly wouldn’t. But B and I are very different people in so many ways.
That J and B have stayed together and tried to work on their relationship is commendable as so many couples walk away when things get tough. When I have both B and J in my ear saying they are not happy and are frustrated… why would someone choose that life for themselves? I know everyone needs to make their own path and come to decisions on their own and I have been watching from the sidelines, two people I love, so unhappy. I can’t remember the last time B said something nice or flattering or even positive about J. I’ve been with both of them and the disrespect she shows him… I don’t understand. But it’s not my relationship to understand. I can only be a friend to them both and be supportive.
As far as the road J and I were embarking on… I don’t know if that will continue. He texted after class last night to he would chat with me tomorrow when he has a moment. I am preparing myself that things will end and I will have had this lovely mental experience with him. I am trying to not thing about it too much because I know the connection he and I have doesn’t come around often, and it makes me sad to think of losing that. It’s been 2+ years since I last felt it. I guess we will see. I will accept his decision regardless of what it is.
What I need to decide for myself is if I can, or want to, remain friends with B. I am a very trusting person but once that trust is lost it is never fully gotten back. There will always be a piece of distrust. But then I think to myself do I want this person in my life anymore – a cynical, non trusting, non trustworthy person who over the last few months has made me feel insignificant, disposable, that I am not enough. That’s not what kind of friend I want. If J and B stay together and J and I continue on this path what will that look like? How does someone communicate in a poly situation when you don’t like the other person? Am I prepared to say good-bye to one or both of them if they decide to keep working things out?
I was awake half the night having conversations in my head and running around different scenarios on what could happen. I’d really like to be out of my head for a little bit and get some clarity. I think I run tomorrow is a good idea.