Reflecting

Lately there have been a few things I’ve been reflecting on quite heavily. The most prominent of them being how to shift my thinking to manage expectations of friendships/relationships.

There is one particular friendship/relationship that has had my focus regarding expectations. It is a relatively new relationship, we met in late July, but it is an important one. G is someone I have known peripherally for years but we met in much different circumstance this time and from the moment we stood face to face I knew G was different from most people. G is a soul companion.

I do not believe we have just one soul mate; I believe in various degrees of soul mates. I believe a soul mate is someone who you/I connect with deeply and they play a role in your/my personal development whether it’s platonic, romantic, or sexual. To me, the definition of soul mate is someone who is a friend of your/my soul. For me the degrees of a soul mate are soul friends, soul teachers, and soul companions. I know people who I connect with on a deep level like this are few and far between. I am lucky enough to have 3 such people in my life currently.

G is a soul companion in a platonic, previously sexual, way. I felt it the instant we met. It’s a rush to feel my soul/core pulse and radiate and even more of one when I feel my core recognize this other person’s soul/core. I don’t know if I believe in past lives but with G, it felt as if my soul recognized his. It was instant, electric. When we spoke about it a few weeks later he shared he felt it too and we knew that this friendship/relationship was different. From those first few minutes we were able to freely talk about anything and everything. There was no being scared of sharing our innermost secrets. In the following weeks we shared things with each other that we have not shared with anyone before. It was easy and felt safe. We messaged on and off all day and night. We sent silly snaps on our breaks. We would talk on the phone or Facetime nearly every day. We just clicked…in a way that someone who has been friends for a lifetime click. This is where my struggle and reflection comes in.

He recently started dating a wonderful woman who makes him smile and feel in such a beautiful way. I love this for him, he deserves to feel these wonderful things after what he has been through. I am thrilled to my core for him, honestly, and of course she holds his attention more now. This is where my struggle and reflection comes in.

After they started seeing each other he and I had a sit down talk. We wanted to see how the other was feeling. I had shared a few weeks before that at some point I would feel love for him, not in a romantic sense but in a sense that I love those I care about. As we talked about us, about them, he said “I love you” to me. I knew he meant it in just the way that I meant it. We feel love for each other. This is where my struggle and reflection comes in.

Now I fully realize he and I are not the same person. He and I did not travel the same path to get to where we are now. We have not had the same life experiences. We have not been treated by others in the same way. So while we both feel what we feel right now how we got there is very different. This is where my struggle and reflection comes in.

There is no doubt that I am a giver. I will give and give until I exhaust myself and having nothing left for me. I’ve been working on not doing that to myself for nearly a year now. I’m better at it but still have more work to do. I will bend over backwards, doing a split, with high heels on and balancing a teacup on my head for someone I care about. I say good morning, good night, I check in on someone when they exhibit a different behavior, I send silly snaps to brighten their day. This is where my struggle and reflection comes in.

He has pulled back a bit as his attention is shared with other people in his life, of course. That doesn’t bother me. What has been bothering me is that he has pulled away. We have talked about this. He shared that he has never met anyone like me. That me being so accepting of this new woman and being genuinely happy for him has thrown him for a loop. He feels like I must be acting and not be genuine because what woman would be supportive of the kind of relationship they have when we had the kind of relationship he and I had. I have tried to tell him that I am not like other women. He is learning that about me, after all we haven’t known each other that long. He hasn’t learned that I do genuinely mean what I say. And I am sad. This is where my struggle and reflection comes in.

I’m sad that he doesn’t know that about me. I’m sad that it will take him a long time to learn that about me. I am sad he isn’t like me in recognizing the kind of soul connection which brings me back to we have not traveled the same path, had the same experiences. It’s unfair of me to expect that he would know so quickly like I knew. This is where my struggle and reflection comes in.

My struggle and reflection have been about working on not expecting that someone will do the same for me as I do for them and about feeling the loss of G in a closeness sense even though I haven’t lost him in the greater sense. I don’t necessarily expect that someone will be the same kind of friend to me that I am to them, but I want them to be. And that’s where the rub is. And I am trying to find a way to not have that expectation. It’s taking me longer than I’d like to work through this but at the same time, this is kind of a big something to work through. Patience is another thing I’m working on, ha.

A Sunday Conversation

Saturday, I laid low all day as I still wasn’t feeling 100% better and truthfully, I wasn’t on Sunday either but I had to shower and dress to take my daughter to work and go into work myself later in the afternoon. The time between was about 2 hours. I didn’t want to go back home so I text J to see if he would be up for a visit since I didn’t go on Friday. He said yes.

After I dropped my girl off I drove over and saw B’s vehicle. They are sharing one while his is out of commission and I knew it was going to be a 50/50 shot, as she generally works a split shift of Sundays, at if she was there or not.

J answered the door and let me in. I got my shoes off and before I was fully into the kitchen he embraced me. A good solid hug. We stood there for a moment just being present. He was a little bit of a tease by grabbing my hair that was tussled up in a bun. When he released me I asked if B was there. He said no that she had just left for work. I said “Good, get back here, I want more hug.” He chuckled and we hugged a good long minute. I felt his body relax and I knew things were okay. His son came down to say hello, he hasn’t seen me in a bit over 3 months. Looking back J and I realized that’s how long it had been since our last walk together back in early June. We had not laid eyes on each other since, other than the occasional Snapchat photo.

We sat on the couch and talked about what was going on with my daughter, and work for us both. Then I asked him how he was doing. Not the superficial “how ya doin” but the “how are you doing?” He talked for a awhile about where things are with his relationship, lack of intimacy of any kind, sex every 6 weeks or so (and him not lasting long because she isn’t present and he isn’t connected or attract in any way), the good conversations he and B have had lately, her asking some questions that she was surprised at the answers by, his flags that she has been cheating on him or at the very least been seeing someone else (which makes no sense given he is polyamorous and has been working to get her to be in a polyamorous relationship for over a year), that he was done working so hard at trying to make it work, that he can’t walk away right now due to finances, and that he wants to know he gave her every opportunity to make changes. He shared that as they are unpacking in this new (a few months now) house that he is not getting comfortable, that he doesn’t feel like it’s his house, and that this is his home. This is pretty much where he was when we walked and talked back in June with the exception that he is done trying so hard and is to a point of biding his time. He is ready to move on. I could hear relief in his voice as he talked, that he had come to a place that felt good again to be looking forward to whatever comes next. It was good to hear.

He apologized for talking so much and said “So tell me what’s going on with you.” I diverted and said that it had been so long it was nice to catch up and some other trivial things to avoid talking. He stared at me and said “Yes, it has been awhile, nice deflection, now answer the question.”

So, I shared a bit about where I am. All the reflecting I’ve been doing. How much I’ve been stuck in my head. This strange place I’ve found myself to be right now. The self-doubt. The sadness. The confusion. The idea of me being a bit of an empath.

He listened as I tried to put all these things that are in my head to words that someone could understand. A lot he did understand as he was feeling or had felt some of what I was describing. It’s all new to me. I actually felt better just sitting there with him, knowing he was hearing me, not just listening to me. Yes, they are different to me.

One of the things he put out there was that people go through changes in their life and when those changes happen they get thrown off-balance and they want things in balance so they adjust, sometimes struggling to find what that balance is as it may not be the same balance that was there before. Then he pointed out my daughter is looking at the military/college options, she just got her drivers permit, just got her first job, and I’ve just set her up with a bank account and debit card. She is growing up and the last 16 years I have had her as my main focus and now that she is growing up there is a void forming. She doesn’t need me as much and thus I am not needed in the same way. I have done a good job at raising a strong, independent young lady. Go me. But there is this void of “now what?” His idea around this is not one I had considered in all that I’ve been trying to process but it is good food for thought.

One of the other things I shared when telling him about the things in my head is my need for release. That I feel like a balloon that just needs to have a little air released so that I don’t pop. He said “like a spanking”. I chuckled and said that it was funny how he mentioned that because that act in particular has been on my mind. And it’s been there in a deeper way than it’s been before. I want a bruise. I want to be bruised. And that is something I’ve never wanted before. I feel like I need to be pushed past my point of comfort but not so far as to be harmed. I want that deep release in a way I never have before. It’s a little bit scary for me to feel that way honestly, it’s unfamiliar, out of my comfort zone. It sounds insane to me to want to be hurt. I never thought of myself as a masochist but it seems I do have those thoughts in me, just haven’t had them in the forefront like this before.

He told me he got it because he is at the other end of the wanting release. For him, administering a spanking is a release. I can understand both sides of the release from the dominant and submissive side. The other thing he said was to be careful as it’s a form of self-harm. That makes sense to me, that’s why it’s scary. As I have family and friends who have self-harmed I don’t want to go that route. But I want the release. I want to feel something that will overpower what’s going on in my head. My hope is that it will reset me. I also know I can’t embark on something like that with someone I don’t trust 100%.

I shared how the weekend before I found myself in a trench I couldn’t get out of mentally and for the first time in I can’t even remember, that I had reached out for help, for a friend, for a voice…and no one was around. And it hurt. More on this in another post as this one is already too long.

J and I had a good conversation. He once again said he appreciates that I am always me and that he is glad for our friendship because he doesn’t have anyone he can talk to about anything and everything. I appreciate the same things about him.

As we sat talking it started down-pouring and I commented that I hadn’t planned for that and my rain jacket would have been handy to have. He said I could borrow one of his. I said it wasn’t a big deal as I only had to make it from point a to b and could do so quickly and it would be fine. He looked at me, one of those “listen to me” looks, and I said I think I actually have mine in the back of the car so I should be good. In my head, I thought I’ll just tell him that I have it and it will be fine. When I had finished the thought, I looked over at him and he was staring at me. I shared my thought and he finished my statement with “but you couldn’t lie to me.” No, I couldn’t. When I went to leave he offered me a rain coat and I said my car is right there I can just dart. He said no and that he was going to walk me to my car. He helped me put the jacket on to which I laughed because it was far too small and my large breasts prohibited the jacket from even remotely closing. We had a fun chuckle out of that. We hugged and when we released a little we didn’t move. I said I think I am going to kiss you. And before I’d even taken a breath to think about the words that had just slipped out of my mouth he leaned in slightly and kissed my lips. The smallest of pecks but I felt his soft warm lips on mine. It was very sweet.

We walked out to my car, such chivalry, and my jacket was indeed in the back so I took his off and slipped mine on. We stood there talking in the rain for a little longer. He asked to see my nails. There was no polish on them. He was pleased. I will explain the polish in another post.

We hugged a few more times. I didn’t want to go. I never want to go. I never know when I am going to see him again. In our talking, I told him I was going to kidnap him and take him on an outing somewhere just to get him out and someplace he would enjoy. I wasn’t joking.

After I got home, a few hours later, I texted to share that I’d enjoyed the conversion and seeing his face.  He thanked me for coming over, that he really appreciated it. He said he hoped he wasn’t a downer and that he is feeling frustrated and it’s started to show. Also, that the hug was definitely needed. I replied that I “like” hearing what’s going on with him whether good, bad, or indifferent. that I feel love for him and I am grateful that he trusts me enough to confide in me. Then I shared that I honestly wanted to lay on the couch with my head in his lap and just feel his pulse and ended with “I hope that doesn’t sound creepy.” He texted back that it wasn’t creepy at all and it happens to be one of his favorite ways to relax with his girl, loves the intimacy and closeness of it. One day I will find this in a partner, one day.

All in all it was a good Sunday conversation and I am so glad I went over.

Quick-ish Catch-up

It’s been nearly 11 months since I last wrote. A lot has happened and at the same time not much has changed.

The date I was to go on in my last post went really, really well and ended up being two months of something wonderful. I actually started to fall in love. It was supposed to be an FWB thing but turned into more and then he ghosted. Just like that. He had essentially invited himself to Thanksgiving dinner and then just ceased communication, blocked my phone number. The first time I’ve ever had my number blocked, at least that I am aware of. It took me a good chunk of time to move on from him. He got to me.

I’ve dated here and there, mostly just the once with someone as I’ve not found anyone that I click with or even want a FWB thing with. Well that’s not entirely true. I do have a friend that comes to visit and we generally have sex. It’s a little release but not what I need or want. I enjoy his company and he is a great snuggle buddy.

J and I have continued our friendship, often having conversations about D/s. We occasionally see each other, generally for a walk somewhere public. A few months ago I nearly kissed him. I apologized later that evening and he said he wouldn’t have minded if I had. Our last chat face to face I could hear in his tone that he is done trying to work things out with B. (Side note – her mom did pass away this winter.) Every time he has expressed leaving her there was never firmness in his voice, never that definitive tone. That is now there loud and clear. He is lining things up for he and his son so he can walk away and move on with the life he wants for himself.

B and I have continued to be more of acquaintances than friends. We don’t text daily any more, if we text once every 10-14 days that would be on the high-end. She doesn’t trust me, it’s perfectly evident. She has no reason not to trust me but her own insecurities keep her from trusting anyone I think. It’s really sad actually. I think she messages to “keep your friends close, but your enemies closer” kind of ideas… even though I’m not an enemy. Not much I can do there and frankly I no longer care to. Near the end of the year I started to purge “emotional vampires” from my life.

Speaking of emotional vampires…. making that decision was a good choice for me. I was introduced to a stranger at a munch (not my local one) by a woman I know. She said he asked to be introduced to me. I’d never seen him (we will call him P)  before at any gathering so was a surprised. We chatted a bit online and then met for lunch one day. P explained that he was an empath and from across the room he felt my energy as a fellow empath. I’ve never been called that before other than being told I have a lot of empathy for people. I’ve since learned that the reason I feel so drained around some people, the reason I feel “high” around some people, the reason I can walk into a room and feel the air change (especially to the negative), and the reason I have that “gut” feeling about some people is because I’m an empath. I pick up on the energy of others. I’ve thought I could be but no one had ever called me that before. I’ve since been paying more attention to those feelings I get. It’s quite incredible. I am still struggling with finding a balance of absorbing those feelings and learning to recharge myself or shut of the absorption. I have discovered my call to the woods or the ocean is a natural recharge for me. Inhaling the smell of the pine, the earth, the ferns or the feel of the cold ocean, the salt in the air…. they restore what’s been taken from me and helps me reset. It makes perfect sense to me.

I had a visit from P this week as I was on overload and falling. My emotional bank was dry and I was…. I don’t even know. I have never felt so alone, so depressed. I’ve never felt like I did this past weekend. I didn’t eat for 3 days which triggered my getting sick and my whole body – mind, spirit, and physical just collapsed. He came and sat on my living room floor to talk with me. I’m not sure why it helped, but it did.

The emotional trigger for this past weekend was due to a fella. I will write more about his soon as I’m still processing the whole situation.

A conversation with a friend today, and the chat with P, has led me to I need to slow down, stop being so busy, take care of myself better, and that I need to pick up my hobbies again and get back to blogging to help me work things out in my head. This has always been a great outlet for me and I am going to try to write more regularly for my own mental health. It doesn’t matter if anyone reads this or not, though I’ve always found the feedback from anonymous (or people who only vaguely know me) invaluable. Another set of eyes, another opinion, or just a different point of view I always appreciate.

So… that’s it for now. I’ve not checked this for errors so please forgive any. I just needed to do this quick-ish catch-up to find a starting place to pick up. Here it is.